Most parents nowadays try not to use physical punishment.  Many have been advised instead to use modern child management: timeouts and “consequences.” But any child can explain to you that  timeouts -- and, in many families, consequences -- are actually punishment.

I do think Timeouts are a terrific management technique – for yourself.  When you find yourself losing it, take five.  This keeps you from doing anything you’ll be sorry about later.  It models wonderful self-management for your kids. And it ultimately makes your discipline more effective (see Positive Discipline, and Handling Your Own Anger.)

What’s wrong with timeouts for disciplining kids?  Nothing tragic.  They are infinitely better than hitting, and certainly much better than yelling.  But Timeouts do not work to create better behaved children. 

Here's why.

1. Instead of reaffirming the relationship so that the child wants to please the parent, timeouts create a power struggle.

They set up a relationship that pits you and your authority against the child. It’s true that as long as the parent is bigger than the child, the parent wins this power struggle, but no one ever really wins in a parent-child power struggle.  The child loses face and has plenty of time to sit around fantasizing revenge.  (Did you really think he was resolving to be a better kid?)

 2.  Because you have to harden your heart to your child’s distress during the timeout, timeouts erode your empathy for your child.  Yet your empathy for this struggling little person is the basis of your relationship with him, and is the most important factor in whether or not he behaves to begin with.  So parents who use timeouts often find themselves on a cycle of escalating  misbehavior.

So what about Consequences?

I love actual consequences as a teacher.  We all have to learn that if we don't think about what books we need at home to study for the test, we won't be able to get them after the school closes.  But when most parents use consequences for discipline, they aren't the natural result of the child’s actions (“I forgot my lunch today so I was hungry”).  Instead, they have become for children the threats they hear through their parents’ clenched teeth: “If I have to stop this car and come back there, there will be CONSEQUENCES!!” 

So if you do use the concept of Consequences as a teacher for your child, and you want them to be effective, make sure they are actually "natural" consequences that don't come off as punishment.

Parents who use timeouts and "consequences" as threats are often shocked to learn that there are families who never hit, never use timeouts, and rarely yell at or threaten their children.  But you shouldn’t need to use these methods of discipline, and if you're using them now, you'll probably be quite relieved to hear that you can wean yourself away from them. 

What else can you do?  A good relationship is your foundation; discipline doesn't work without that.  The next step, when you can do it, is to stay two steps ahead of your kid, so that you give her ample warning before transitions, for instance, always leave extra time to get anything done, and make sure she gets enough sleep. A good general rule is to sidestep power struggles and to give her as much control over her life as possible so she doesn't need to rebel.  

Finally, when all else fails -- as it often will, because we're only human -- fall back on your sense of humor.  How?  Don't let your buttons get pushed. Turn things into a game.  Distract your child with jokes and riddles.  Sit down on the floor and laugh until you cry at the absurdity of the whole thing.  The truth is, when you're in a good mood, and have a good relationship with your child, parenting gets a lot easier.  

Check out the section on this website called "Positive Discipline"  for more specifics. And remember, this too shall pass.

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