Hello:

I am a proud granfather of a 4-month baby boy. He is big, heavy, healthy and smart.

His parents, my daughter and son-in-law, are two mature adults, both college grads with master studies. Because they both want to keep their careers going on, everyday they take my grandson to a baby care center from early morning until 4:30 PM.

Once or twice a week, my wife and I take care of the baby. During our time with our grandson we do as he likes (and as we reared our oun children): We hold him in our arms in several positions helping him to see and touch many things, We help him to standing or to jump, We do not let him laydown in bed or in a baby chair except for the time we notice he wants it. As soon as he asks, we hold him again and try to keep him happy, singing songs and talking to him. So we feed him, clean him and shower him always resting on my lap while we both are showering. The baby, although demanding, is happy most of the time with us and cries only when he needs something: feeding, cleaning, change of position, or sleeping.

The problem comes, as I see it, because the care center has reported several times that my grandson does not stop crying there for long hours when being and have emphatically and repeatedly required his parents (and grandparents as well) not to hold the baby during the time the baby is at home: "Do not hold the baby" has been their command.

We took such note as ridiculuos, but because the center can reject taking care of the baby (it is governmental institution in Mexico) we said no complaint or comment to their demands. We just kept doing things as we feel and believe.

However, very recently on a holiday, when my wife and I went to visit my daughter's home, we discovered that, apparently following the care center requirement, they decided to let the baby cry and not to hold him. When we arrived from the driveway we could hear him crying, loudly and very angrily. After I held him in my arms it took me more than half an hour for the baby to be in peace and happy. He would start crying once more, sighing of resentment. He started crying again when he saw his father´s face. When we asked we were informed that the baby had being crying for one hour without holding him!

My wife and myself are very worried for what we saw. We believe that they (the care center and his parents) are wrong and they going to ruin the baby's emotional health with concepts such as "let him cry", "the baby will be spoiled if you do whatever he wants", "he knows how to control us", "don't hold him, he must get used to lay in his chair", etc...

We are aware that we are not his parents but only his grandparents. But also believe that the care center and his parents are following more waht their selfish convenience is telling more than what their instincts tell us of what is the proper way to rear a baby. And to treat him as a treasure that only for a short time parents have the privilege to have.

As a first step I am refering to my daughter some of your articles about attachment-parenting, and other on skinship, etc., trying to make them reconsider their attitude about baby rearing.

If you could offer us some advice. We look forward reading it. Thanks in advance.

Dear Tony,
Thank you for writing. Your son is lucky to have you and your wife as grandparents. You are doing a wonderful job caring for him, as is evidenced by his only crying with you when he needs something.

Babies are not meant to be left lying in chairs for long. Any ancestor of ours whose mother left him sitting on the jungle floor was eaten by a tiger. Young babies instinctively feel they are in danger when not held, and most of them need to be held a lot. That is why most civilizations developed a sling or baby carrier.

A baby whose mother did not pick him up when he cried could be counted on to attract predators; so humans are hard-wired to become agitated by a baby's cry and do whatever they can to stop it; usually that means picking the baby up and comforting him.

In our modern society we are often disconnected from our instincts. Every time we let a baby cry untended, we cut ourselves off from our empathy for that baby, and our empathy in general. We have a harder time seeing things from his point of view, which makes us worse parents. We become harder human beings, and our relationship with the baby is damaged.

As the baby grows up, he may learn not to cry, but only because he has given up on other humans. He will also be hardened and unreachable. Children only behave because of their love for us. Every time your daughter lets her baby cry she is damaging not only her relationship with him, but her later ability to discipline him effectively. She is creating a difficult child who will be a challenge to parent.

This is not just a psychological process, but a biological one. Brain researchers have proven that the brains of babies who are left to cry do not develop optimally. Their nervous systems do not calm them as readily and they become more easily agitated, frightened, and angry throughout their childhoods. They do not develop empathy as normal children do.

No four month old baby belongs in a care center all day. Babies that age can handle a few hours, at most, of group care, when they are rested in the morning. By definition, group care is not designed to meet the developmental needs of young babies. Your grandson needs fairly constant interaction with his caregivers for his intelligence and language skills to develop normally, let alone his emotions.

I hope your daughter will take the time to read the section on babies on this site, including the information on Attachment. I also strongly recommend the book The Science of Parenting, written by Dr. Margot Sunderland, for your daughter and son-in-law (and for you.) It describes the latest brain research and the effect on babies of leaving them to cry. Another excellent book that describes the effect of care centers and urges parents not to leave their babies is Dr. Stanley Greenspan's The Four Thirds Solution.

It would be highly desirable for your daughter and son-in-law to alter their worklives for few years so that they can spend more time with your grandson. I assume this is not simply selfishness of their parts, but that they both must work because of financial pressures. If indeed your grandson cannot be with a parent or grandparent or nanny all the time, then I recommend finding another care center immediately. Any care center that suggests that a baby should not be held when he cries, and should get used to lying in his chair, will produce a damaged child.

I know you are the Grandfather, and have limited rights in this situation, but you are also the only advocate your Grandson has. I wish you luck and blessings as you intervene to save him.

Dr. Laura