My friend Dave Darby, who writes the blog "One Particular Harbour", wrote to me about my article "If we're all working, who's raising the kids?":

"Today’s marketing is geared towards instant gratification and people work harder and longer to pay for consumer goods and larger houses.  The effect is that people become slaves to their jobs/debt and, as you point out, the obvious sacrifice comes from time with our families.  What are your ideas for society to reverse this trend and regain family and children as a higher priority than consumption?"

That's a tough one, needless to say.  I think we have to work in several converging areas at once.  First, personal choices. Second, workplace policies.  Third, government policies.  Fourth, public opinion.  Let’s take these one at a time, over the next few days.

So let's talk today about the personal choices we make.  The personal really is political, and it is the only part of this constellation that is even somewhat within our control.

Most couples welcome the birth of a child with great excitement. However, they rarely give adequate thought before conception to what children really need to thrive, and therefore don’t make personal choices that will support their families.  My opinion is that couples need to have conversations about their values while courting, before they decide to make a life together.  These conversations need to address questions like:

• Do we want children at all?

• If so, what will be best for them in terms of care?  (I am convinced by all the research that shows that children do best with parental or other dedicated care by a loved family member — and I don’t mean a nanny, who is by definition not a permanent part of the child’s life, but a grandmother — until at least the age of three.  After age 3 some group experience is great, but only part time.)

• How will what is best for our child be integrated into our career aspirations and our financial needs?

• Do we want more than one child?  Are we prepared to space them at least two years apart if possible (which research shows is best for kids)?

• Knowing that life is full of tradeoffs and there are only 24 hours in the day, what is most important to us?  A big house?  Children? A “power” career?

• Knowing that children do best with both parents as active participants in their lives, how do we expect to share our roles as parents and breadwinners?  A 50/50 split?  One person spending more time with the children?  Alternating over time?

• Most American parents are not working long hours because they want a big house and fancy consumer goods, but simply to pay for food and health care.  Where in the country do we want to live? If we can live in a less expensive area, with lower housing expenses and one car, we will end up with more freedom.

• What careers will we choose?  Can we choose work that is more flexible in nature, so that we can better balance work and family?  For instance, if we both are on  “high-intensity” career tracks, we are unlikely to see our kids much. 

• Can we locate ourselves in a community that supports our values?  If all our friends are working long hours to buy big houses and pay back loans for fancy weddings, we may feel pressure to do the same.

• Can we truly let go of the pressure to “keep up with the Jones” economically?  What can we do now to make sure we aren’t stuck on an economic treadmill later?

• While kids only need a parent at home fulltime till they’re 3 years old, they do best if someone is home with them after school until they’re 18.  What implications does that have for our career choices?

• Are we prepared to make the necessary sacrifices to have children and meet their needs?  Who in the couple will need to be making which sacrifices?

I think such discussions would steer couples in the direction of better planning and not getting locked into big mortgages and demanding jobs while their children are small. 

I urge all new and prospective parents to read Dr. Stanley Greenspan’s book The Four Thirds Solution which addresses these issues from the child’s perspective and urges both parents to work only 2/3 time while their children are small so that neither parent fully gives up career aspirations and children are not in childcare for more than 1/3 of the work week (i.e., 13 hours).  He considers this to be the most time that kids can healthfully spend in childcare.

I also urge prospective mothers  -- and men who care about equality -- to read Kidding Ourselves: Breadwinning, Babies, and Bargaining Power by Rhona Mahony.  She points out that women usually end up choosing between career and children (even if they try to have both) in a way that compromises each, and in a way that men aren’t forced to do.  In an ideal world, no woman would get pregnant without reading this book.

Bottom line: every decision you make may reduce the hand you hold when you come to the next choice.  Choose wisely.

Tomorrow: Why we need the work world to become more family friendly!